All right, I'm going to write something while I'm in a good mood and hopefully keep it that way.  Life, seriously, you're too much sometimes, but we should stick together a bit longer.

Anyway, Labor Day weekend!  What an adventure!  And actually the days leading up to it.  Cecily and I officially signed our lease and became renters of our cute little duplex.  Then began the preparation of trying to get everything together in order to live there...still a bit of a work in progress.  But I have a place to sit, a place to sleep, a place to shower, and working locks, so it's getting there.  I bought things I didn't need at Pottery Barn Kids, though I do love the desk, and the bookshelf is actually pretty great, and hopefully they'll last a while.  Adam sold me his bed, and after two nights, I like it a lot.  It's still a bit like sleeping in a hotel, new sheets, new pillows, and such, but it sure is comfy.

The room has been rearranged twice.  The computer is almost together, and I have at least one box of books up in the room.  My movers/epic friends Adam, Eric, Frank, and Joe were the backbone of the moving operation, with the addition of Ryan who provided his truck for moving the bed.  Also, my work supervisor also proved to be a SUPER supervisor when she brought her van to help move the expensive Pottery Barn stuff.  And everything worked out pretty well.  I took Eric and Joe out for lunch, with its own shenanigans, and pretty much had a nice moving day.

It's still an adjustment; my legs and feet are not used to hardwood floors (I need a better pair of slippers), spiders tend to come out of the vents (apparently I can buy a spray for that), the kitchen has no counter space or storage space (we can fix that too, but I see why people move into houses with giant kitchens), the backporch light is burned out (hello, landlady, help?) and the bathroom door is super squeaky (WD-40, boom!).  I could use some curtains, and my stereo, but the place is quiet and clean, and just in need of people living in it for longer than a week.

Other than that, the weekend was fun-filled, lots of birthdays and parties, and hanging out at the old homestead with my little brother.  We had ourselves some times with cookies and MST3K.  I will admit, I can't wait to have dinner at home soon.  Panera is still not on par with my mom.  Or even my dad.  Plus until I get a table, there's no real place to eat in the house.  Also, the couch needs to get over there soon, there's not too many places for a crowd to sit.  Ahh, so many things.  I have a running list the length of a marathon, though it's really more like a triathalon.

Other than that, fall is approaching, Cowtown is peeking around the corner about to jump into my face, and hopefully we'll have the house settled before winter comes.  It was very lonely that first night, but last night was much better when people came by to visit.  First Adam to build the computer, then Natalie and her friend Rachel to hang out, and then Eric to eat his dinner and visit.  Natalie and Rachel brought cookies, Adam discovered my computer needs a different power source, Eric and Adam checked the place over, and then there was a quest for ice cream.

Good times, good times.  More later, perhaps.  Ack, I still need a desk chair.

Wow, this year has really become exhausting.  Too much going on.  I don't know if this year has been better or worse than last year, at the moment it just seems more complicated.  It's hard not to feel sad, so many sad things keep happening, and there isn't much to stop them from happening again.  In my heart and mind, the saner parts at least, I know all these things are happening for good reason, and that usually what goes on is for the best, but seriously, it would be nice if the best thing didn't have to make me feel like crap.  I feel like I've cried more this year than I have in a long, long time, and every good accomplishment comes with a punishment.  I don't know if the world has to keep some sort of balance or what.  Unfortunately, the bad always seems to outweigh the good.  Probably because the bad is so definite and permanent and scary, while the good is intangible, delicate, and simple.

Is the pain a sign that the love was true?  That something precious is gone?  It's hard to tell.  And I struggle with letting myself mourn sufficiently because I can't tell what's a healthy amount of time and what's just putting me down.  I'm afraid I'm depressed and in complete denial.  I don't know if I'm addressing my grief properly, or if it's being pushed under the rug, slowly becoming a problem that will trouble me later.  I've never been through a year like this before, and I don't really know how to navigate the minefield.  I cry a lot, which is exhausting.  I eat too much, or stop eating altogether, which is unhealthy.  I don't know if talking about it makes me feel better or worse, so I don't know if I should talk about it at all.  And I don't want to bring everyone else down into my misery, so I don't want to talk about it.  The fear of the unknown is so much bigger than what people think.  Being afraid of your own future is probably a serious issue.

So I don't really know what to do these days.  My big big plans have kind of fallen by the way since July.  Moving might help.  Seeing the family and being on the farm did help.  I struggle with finding my inner balance, to stay in a place that makes me feel content, if not completely happy.  There's just too much sadness sometimes.  I want to crawl into my bed and hide there and sleep everything away.  It might be a cowardly decision, but who isn't a coward when they see pain and anguish coming for them?  At least a little bit.

My grandpa died last week, and his passing felt so much harder than when my grandma died.  It could be because Grandma died suddenly, and I spent most of that mourning period in shock, while Grandpa was sick for months.  It could also be that I feel very much alone these days.  Eric was with me when I went through my grandma's passing, and after we broke up, I felt so empty.  And when I realized I was going to have to face Grandpa's death alone, that was hard.

Oh, my, I just brought myself down writing that.  I don't like this.  I don't like the way this feels, but how do I get rid of it?  Should I?  I mean, I assume that I'll feel better eventually, but do I bandage the wound or cut it off?  I don't know.  It's too hard to think about sometimes.  Should I even be blogging about it?  Sorry you guys are suffering through this if you're even still reading this.

Let's write about reality for a little while, shall we?  I should, it's been a CRAZY summer, it seems.  And even though August is still new, it feels like fall is looming on the horizon.  I'm telling you, craziness.

But it does keep life adventurous.  And even though not every adventure is a fun one, it helps move time along, and as always, adversity brings experience.  I'd rather have fun and experience, but if experience is the best thing to draw out of a not-particularly-nice adventure, I'll take it.  I do find myself quite often these days saying, "I love-" and biting off the last word.  That'll get better too.

At least apartment hunting has been a good adventure.  Occasionally frustrating, and there have been some scary landpeople out there, but some neat places to live.  Cecily and I looked at an apartment building that was completely out of our price range, but the place had just been redone, and the owner was just keen to show it off.  She knew we weren't really able to live there, but it was really nice of her to let us tramp around all those gorgeous apartments.  If there had been a one bedroom left, we might've taken it, since the "one bedroom" apartments were really more like two or three room, but alas they were all taken.  The penthouse was very impressive, two floors to itself, four or five bedrooms, three bathrooms, giant kitchen, a balcony overlooking the semi-ballroom, and I just love the windows.  Of course, to live there, it would've been us...and at least six other people.  Sigh, some other time, perhaps.

Also, Cowtown approaches...oh boy, I am excited and nervous and all that.  This will be my first year in charge of the volunteers and last year went so well, that I hope I live up to at least that.  Everyone keeps telling me not to worry, and I'm trying not to...but there's always the anxiety that the whole thing will break because of me.  Irrational?  Totally.  But a little fear will probably keep me in check.

Other than that, summer's still kicking.  I should cook tonight.  Now there's an adventure.

For the negative six people waiting for the outcome of my character blacking out (seriously, who reads this?!), here is the continuation.


The first sensation when I regained consciousness was a melon-splitting headache.  Wincing, I opened my eyes to a way too bright room, and three faces.
"May?  May, open your eyes, all the way," the blurry face with glasses said.
I did my best to comply.  Holy cow, when did the box get so bright?  It stung my eyes and I held a noodle-limp arm up to cover the light.
"What happened?" I gasped, reviewing myself for injuries or abnormalities.  My chest was heaving for breath and my elbows felt bruised.  I kept blinking until the fuzziness went away, and I could see Dr. Banner, Stark, and Capt. Rogers clearly again.
"You passed out from oxygen deprivation.  Using all that solar energy burned up the supply of oxygen in your body.  You should be all right in a minute," Banner told me, timing my pulse with his watch.
The captain held my other hand.
"Lie still, May.  Keep breathing."
"Slowly, you don't want to hyperventilate," the doctor said.
I put my head back and took four deep breaths until the desperate desire for air went away and I struggled to sit up, leaning into the captain as the room started spinning.
"You all right, May?  Everything feel normal?" Stark asked, waving something electrical in my direction, picking up readings.
"Yeah, I think so.  I've never done that before," I said, still not completely settled in mind and body. 
"I'm pretty sure we don't need to repeat the experience anytime soon," Stark said, standing up and going back to his data terminal.
"Did you learn anything?" I asked.
"Loads of things.  We should make you an alternative energy source," Banner quipped, satisfied with my pulse's normality.
I smiled, the dizziness fading away at last.
"Who's greener, you or me?" I teased him.
Shifting to stand up, the captain caught my elbow.
"You're sure?" he asked, looking me in the eye.  Annoyingly, I blushed, and hid my face.
"Yes, I'm fine."
Rogers helped set me on my feet and walked me out of the box, Stark and Banner tapping away at their screens.
"It's pretty impressive that you can choose what energy you want to produce.  And from the looks of things, you can choose from quite a few," Banner said, talking and typing at the same time.
I came up to the set of screens, trying to see what he saw, instead of rapidly calculating numbers and flashing charts and graphs.
"What's there?" I asked.
"JARVIS, tell the little lady about her big power," Stark called out, still focused on his screens.
"In order of strength, energy readings include nuclear, solar, electrical, lunar, magnetic, radio, heat..."
The information trailed off as JARVIS listed a bunch of words that didn't register with me.  I looked down at my hands, the same hands they'd always been, pale skin with visible blue veins covering the long fingers and wide palms.  It almost overwhelmed me that these hands could produce nuclear power.  I knew after the first energy outburst that started all of this that there was something a little bit different about me, but to hear Stark and Banner explain it all in detail...
I felt dizzy again and caught myself on Capt. Rogers.

You know what time it is?  Yes, it's time for me to indulge in one of my favorite guilty pleasures...WRITING FAN FICTION.  Oh, yes, that's the kind of girl I am.  Read if you dare.




"Are you sure about this?  I might blow up the building," I said, raising an eyebrow at the test.
Tony Stark snorted lightly, taking my doubts about his construction design a little personally.
"Relax, this thing could absorb a nuclear explosion.  Actually, three nuclear explosions, or four nuclear meltdowns.  In," the brilliant engineer said, shoving me towards the chamber.
The heels of my sneakers squeaked as I planted them in the floor, still cautious.
"How do you know I won't do something to destroy myself?" I asked.
Stark rolled his eyes.
"We won't go overboard.  Don't worry, we'll be very careful with our science," Dr. Banner spoke up behind him from his numerous monitors and scientific instruments.  I looked back at him and he gave a sincere and encouraging nod.
I turned back to the chamber door and took a deep breath.
"Okay, then."
I stepped inside the big square box made of incredibly strong metal and glass.  Well, at least, I thought it was metal and glass, but it was probably more impressive.  I went to stand in the center, watching Stark join Banner behind the panel of monitors that would track and record everything I did inside the box.
"JARVIS, you around?" Stark said to the air.
"At the ready, sir," the smooth British accent echoed from the speakers connected to his CPU.
"Let's get started."
The door of the box slid shut and clanked as it locked and sealed me in.  My ears popped from the sudden pressure.  A wave of claustrophobia swept across my nose but I put it aside.  I could see Stark and Banner, but more important, I could see the emergency escape switch on my side of the door.  Not a prison, just a box.
"Do your thing, May," Stark said over the loudspeaker.
I screwed up my mouth in a pinched frown.  I didn't really have a "thing", and it wasn't something easily switched on.  I tried to concentrate, but just found my brain working itself up.
"Come on, do something."
I turned my frown on Stark but he wasn't even looking at me.
"We're waiting!" he whined at me, and my blood pressure was the only thing that changed.
"Stop yelling at me!  I'm not your experiment!" I snapped.
Finally he looked up, brown eyes reflecting the light from the box.  He was a handsome devil, but Banner knew he was going about it all wrong.
"May," the doctor began, "hold up your hands and just think about the lightning."
I stopped glaring at Stark, but I still frowned.
"Okay," I said, in a voice that promised to try, but was doubtful of success.
And yet, it was stupidly simple.  I held up my hands, closed my eyes, and remembered the feeling of those huge electric bolts shooting from my fingertips and sparkling off my palms.  The strange pull of energy beginning at my heart and streaming through my arms, and there was the solution.  I opened my eyes, and the box was lit up like a summer storm.  The shock of it made me stop at once.
"Whoa," I murmured.  I glanced at the panel of monitors and Banner and Stark were having a similar reaction.
"JARVIS," Stark said at last, "analysis."
"Direct current electricity, power of two hundred thousand watts at maximum strength, power of ten thousand watts at minimum."
The data flashed up on the glass walls of the box for me to see as the computer spoke.  Fancy graphics and charts spun before my eyes.  Behind the data-covered windows, Banner and Stark focused on their tools.
"All right, May, you want to try something else?" the doctor asked.
Recklessly, I shut my eyes again and let the lightning flow out of my hands, and thought about nothing but the source.  The power emerging from my core felt a little different, and I opened my eyes to look, hoping not to freak out.  All around me, light glittered like fireworks, arcing back and forth between me and the beams of the box.  It didn't look like regular lightning.  Cautiously, I took a step forward, letting the energy dance around me.  I noticed the lightning licking across my feet and arms, and felt nothing more intense than what was coming out of my hands.  Suddenly, I dropped the idea of just emitting energy from my hands, and the light emerged from my skin everywhere.  I could feel lightning burst from my nails, my hair, my kneecaps, my teeth.
The pull on my core became stronger, but not overwhelming.  I looked outside the box, seeing Stark and Banner both staring at me with wide eyes.
The lightning stopped.
"What is it?" I asked them.
It took them a moment to respond, gathering their thoughts.
"May, you're emitting enough energy to light up all of North America," Dr. Banner said.
"It's more than just electricity," Stark said, examining his monitors. "It's a combination of electricity, light on all wavelengths, solar energy, and more, and it's extrememly potent."
I raised an eyebrow.
"So it's not just light?"
Stark shook his well-groomed head.
"Nope.  Is that all you can manage?"
He asked it without condescension, looking at me in quiet fascination.
"I can probably do more."
The far doors of the lab swished open and an elegant pair of people entered, Stark's assistant and CEO of his industries, Pepper Potts, and the noble patriot, Capt. Steve Rogers.  The captain smiled at me and I smiled back.
"What's going on, Doc?" he asked Banner, not taking his eyes from me.
"We're getting a read on May's abilities.  It's pretty impressive," Banner told him absently as his fingers flew across his monitors.
Rogers nodded, and joined him and Stark behind the bank of research equipment.  Potts handed Stark some papers and then quietly withdrew, not interested in disturbing what seemed more and more like a very important study.
"She's just about to show us the extent of her skill, or at least give it the college try," Stark said, equally distracted in his response.
Rogers looked over the monitors, gazing at the readouts, then looked up at me.
"Don't overdo it, May.  No sense in straining yourself," he said.
I resisted the intense urge to sigh.  The captain was such a kind man, to me especially it seemed, but my opinion was disgustingly biased.  Ever since he, Stark, and Banner had discovered me in that well-buried government prison, his face always brought relief.  My powerful core tingled at the memory of him carrying my broken body out into the spring rain, to freedom and safety.
"I'll be careful," I promised.
"Let her rip," Stark said.
I took a deep breath, filling my chest completely.  As I exhaled, I let everything my core could produce radiate out.  Electricity zapped off my eyelashes, the box became a blinding source of light, and I felt like my feet floated over the floor.  Slowly, a weight pressed down on my chest, making it difficult to get a real breath.  I focused, trying to identify the different energies I could produce.  Solar power flowed out of me, and I felt pleasantly warm for a few minutes, every inch of me sparkling gold.  Then the strain started to become too much, and a block of ice formed in my already-heavy chest.  I struggled for breath while maintaining the gorgeous light, and the cold overtook me in spite of the warmth all around me.  Collapsing to the floor as I heard JARVIS speaking over the blood pounding in my ears, I blacked out.

I'm watching Rear Window right now and it's making me smile.  I can relate to the beautiful Lisa Fremont who's in love with her own occasionally-grumpy camera bum.  I'm not exactly the fashionable model Grace Kelly (an $1100 dress would probably cause me to faint), but I do admire her.  And luckily Eric doesn't have a broken leg or things could get interesting in a homicidal neighbor way.


But anyway.


My parents have been gone a while, looking after Dad's parents.  Grandma fell and broke her hip, and things looked a little risky for her for a bit, but she rallied, and Dad says she's going to be okay.  Long recovery, but that sounds way better than the alternative.  It's been pretty stressful on everyone, and I think we're all looking forward to normalcy.  Soonest.


In the meantime, Jack and I have been looking after ourselves (newsflash: we are low maintenance cooks).  I also have to remember to water the plants and do dishes, Jack does trash and gets the mail.  Yay temporary roommates!  I have no idea what we'll do about the lawn, but I'm sure it'll be fine.  Sadly, it took us five days to get the mailbox open.  We're dysfunctional but functional?  Oh, well, the house is still standing, we haven't killed the cars, each other, or anything else, and, um, yeah.


Aside from our domestic hysterics (wee!), I went to the Champions Workshop last weekend with all the lovely people from Minnesota, Mike and Eve, Dee and Jeremy-Many=Names.  They were all great.  Mike and Jeremy are really fun dancers, especially Jeremy.  I danced with him twice and he likes to play.  That's so rare but fun.  Eve is very sweet, and Dee is just wonderfully sassy.  She taught us to groove, and I'll admit that I probably look like a total goof working my hips but I love it.  I need more groovy swing and blues.  And someone to dance with me to that music, but it would work alone.  We also got to watch the Heartland Hepcat and the Cowtown Cow hang out, dance, play Rock Band.  Good times.


Otherwise work is work.  I'm excited for Sunflower Swing, getting away for a little while, seeing my other grandpa, and maybe shopping?  I feel like I need something pretty to wear.  I love my new purple shoes (even if they cost me more than a pair of Aris Allens), and after learning from Mike, Eve, Dee, and Jeremy, I'm pretty psyched to keep learning dance.  I still love it.  I wish I had more time and money and ability to devote to it.  I fear the infamous game of Bases I went to over Memorial Day has done something to my leg.  Or it could be stress, I'm not really sure.  My left leg hurts, I do know that.  But yeah, more dancing.  Dance, dance, dance.  I don't know if I'll get to STL this summer, as I'd like to, but maybe I'll just save it up for Nevermore in November.


One never knows.


I wish I could dress and look more like Grace Kelly.  So glamorous, though I don't know if would do me much good.  I think I'll stick to being just me.  It's worked so far.

Ugh...too tired to blog.


Okay, that's not at all true.  I just feel like I'm blathering on a lot these days.  Nobody needs to hear this stuff.  Seriously, are you reading this?  Why?!

*sigh*  Anyway...

Apparently I'm not in enough different places at once these days.  I remember when I was a quiet girl who spent most of her time at home.  Still do, really.  People say life should be lived to the fullest, and you won't look back on your life thinking how awesome it was to get enough sleep.  Well, I'm pretty sure if I don't get enough sleep, I will look back and think I was a real jerk to people because I was tired.  And that life might not be so long if I drive into a lamp post.  Don't sleep and drive.  Tell your friends.

Um, saw the new Avengers movie and it was quite good.  I had my hangups having been disappointed with Iron Man 2, and not hearing great things about Captain America or Thor, but it was a delightful movie filled with action sequences and witty dialogue, and several attractive heroes to stare at.  I don't think I could pick just one.  Tony Stark is a dashing smartass, Steve Rogers is noble and dreamy, Bruce Banner is understated and humorous, Clint Barton kicks butt without wearing sleeves most of the time...I could go on and on.  However, the Hulk wins the funny award, and where would we be without Lou Ferrigno?

Also, I'm sorry Edward Norton, you were good, but Mark Ruffalo was better.  Learn to play well with others, Ed.

What else?  Swing dancing goes on.  I'm trying to get excited about taking more classes and getting some focused learning done, but life seems to get in the way.  So far I've missed two of the four weeks of my balboa class...*sigh*.  I want to take classes in Wichita, but I don't know.  I feel pressed for time management, and money may become an issue depending on how things go.  I'm also a little worried about Cowtown, and I'm sure the anxiety is only going to grow as we get closer.  I want to start planning but I have no idea what to plan.  Ack.  Neuroses, everywhere, in the fridge, under the couch, hanging from the ceiling.  Everywhere!

Been getting lots of book club time, though.  Sherlock is ticking along nicely, plus the new series was pretty good.  I thought the second season was a little overly complex, but they probably try to cram a lot in since they only get three episodes a season.  Also, regular book club has been a nice get together.  Our member Jen is moving to Texas so we all got together for drinks and hear all about her new house and adventures in moving.  I had a margarita and hardly noticed the booze, which means I'm either getting used to it, or I really didn't care at the time.  But I was sad to see Jen go, she's a lovely person with a wicked sense of humor.  And we had our usually meeting yesterday, and to quote Susie, we kicked it old school.  The old meeting place with a pretty involved discussion.  It was pretty fun.

Otherwise, summer is fast approaching.  The weekends are warm and pleasant, with the occasional summer storm.  Eric and I take a few walks once in a while, I leave my roof open when I drive, I'm debating on buying a new swimsuit (I don't think the old one fits anymore).  I'm really okay with summer being here, I just kind of want it to be summer for a long time.

For being too tired to blog, this has become a long entry.