All right, dangit, let's blog!

When last we met, I was in a very unhappy place.  Since then, I've been diagnosed with major depression (un-yay), started seeing an awesome therapist (major yay!), and started taking some meds that don't make me happy, but rather balance me out.  Which is more important, pills that make you happy aren't really fixing the problem, just messing with your internal chemistry.  I'm still not perfect, but I am getting better.

I'm also writing this on my third dose of cold medicine for the day, so if I seem a little weird, it's because of that.  Bleck, this cold, I think my nose has leaked out about four gallons of snot today.  At least that headache is finally gone.  Oy.

Anyway, back to things.  My grandparents on my dad's side have made their way to Omaha, which is good, I like having them here. My grandma is weak and has been having a few issues, but for the most part, she's still rocking life at 93.  I hope when I'm 93, I have her sass.  Grandpa on the other hand, is pretty healthy (though he managed to lose a bunch of weight since I saw him last, what the what?), but he's been having some memory issues, and the move kind of threw off his groove.  My first visit to see them kind of freaked me out, since he thought I was his niece.  But they put him on some different meds, and once he settled into the new place, he seems to be back to normal.  Still a bit addled, but he'll be 88 on Friday, not everyone can be as with it as Grandma.  

Let's see, in other news I've been working out with Adam and his brother Jacob.  I need to run more, I've been pretty good about running a mile at least once a week, but it's starting to get cold, and I'll run when it's cool, but not cold.  The weight lifting has also been an adventure.  Compared to what Adam and Jacob can lift, I barely lift anything, but they say I'll get there.  Eventually I'll be able to lift more than just the 45 pound bar.  After tonight's workout, my arms feel pretty noodly, but Adam says that it's good to hit the breaking point.

On Monday, Cecily and I decorated the place for Christmas.  My mom had bought a little Christmas tree for my grandparents' apartment, but on further reflection she thought it might get in their way, so she gave it to us instead.  It is just the right size for our living room (and conveniently fits in my trunk).  Eric helped me get a tree stand for it, and after a trip to Target for ornaments and an extra strand of lights, Cecily and I decorated our new friend Sir Albert.  He looks awesomely festive in red and silver.

Tuesday was also adventure filled in its own way.  Cecily left with her parents for Germany in the afternoon, and I went out that evening to get my hair cut.  Raven did an awesome job as she always does.  Seriously, I'm so glad I found her.  Then I picked up my brother Jack and we went over to movie night at Kaleb's house.  We watched the Dark Knight Rises, which I wasn't sure how I would like.  It was very long, but I have to say I really enjoyed it.  There were lots of nerdy tie-ins for me and pretty much any other fan of the animated Batman series, plus all these random actors that made quick appearances.  I loved Anne Hathaway as Catwoman, and Tom Hardy was really cool as Bane, even if the voice was a bit goofy at times.  And it all came full-circle in the plot quite nicely.  Kudos, Mr. Nolan, it was a great series. Jack was also pleased that they finally backed away from the spaz fight sequence so you could actually see the fight sequence for once instead of a bunch of moving limbs.

Afterwards, I brought Jack back to the house because he didn't actually know where we lived, but when I went to go down the street in front of my house, I was blocked by two police vehicles and a considerable length of crime scene.  After a little trouble, I managed to get to our parking spot in the back, showed Jack around for a minute, and then ran out front to speak with the cop parked near the house.  The middle of the street had been blocked off because there had been a shooting, as the nice policeman told me.  I probably should've been more freaked out by it, but really I wasn't, and Jack put it in great perspective saying that whoever had done the shooting had probably shot at the person he was looking for and left, and I was clearly not the target, so nothing really to worry about.  He still did the noble brother thing and offered to stay with me, or let me stay over with him if I was worried, but I wasn't all that worried.  It was nice of him all the same, but we were both tired, so I took it home, and then went home myself.

Wednesday was Dad's birthday, we still feed him and we still need him, now that he's 64.  Jack and I went over to the 'rents house and then we all went out to Dad's favorite Mexican restaurant where all the food is spicy.  Seriously.  All of it.  It is good food, though, and my dad was happy because they hadn't been able to get in there for a while, but no trouble that night.  I was pretty stuffed up in the sinuses, so I didn't mind a little spicy food, but I was feeling pretty crappy by the time I headed home, despite the enormous pile of sopapillas we eventually nommed.  Also my parents took the whole shooting on our street thing better than I thought they would.  After a little bit, I headed home, went to the store, checked in with Adam, took a smoking hot shower to try and clear my head that was all stuffed up and throbbing with pressure, and went to bed.

To no avail, I woke up a crap load last night, and I went into work still feeling gross and horrible, so I did an hour's worth of work before the whole team insisted I go home.  I made a quick stop to the CVS first though for cold medicine and more tissues, and the impulse buy of Vogue magazine.  Anne Hathaway was on the cover, looking ravishing, I caved.  After that, I went back to the house, made tea, took my meds, put on my jammies, and lounged for most of the day.  At about 11, I had a major craving for toast, so I tried out our toaster oven that's been sitting under the work table since we moved in.  It's a pretty awesome toaster oven, lots of settings, but not too difficult to figure out.  After four pieces of toast and several cups of tea (I've had way too many today), my headache subsided and my icky gross feeling mostly went away.  I'm still pretty stuffed up, but I don't feel nearly as awful.  It was a pretty good day to stay indoors, when I finally looked outside in the afternoon it was windy and rainy and cold, and I decided to stay in my jammies for at least another hour.  But I managed to get out and lift tonight, read for Sherlock, and worked on thank you notes.

Still so much to do.  Grandpa's birthday this weekend, chili making, book club, and I really really really need to start Christmas shopping.  It's also eventually going to get really cold and wintry, so I hope this sinus junk goes away sooner than later.  On the whole, however, I think I'm getting better.  Now that it's December and we're in the home stretch of 2012, I can't say whether it was either a good or bad year, but I can say it certainly has been an eventful year.  No wonder I feel so tired some times.  Oh, well.  Bring on the Christmas carols!

So this is how things are lately:

Go to sleep - cry beforehand and then not sleep much

Go to work - cry at least three times throughout the day

Go home - think "Thank God" because then I can cry without being seen

Talk to friends - try not to cry, kudos to those who assist with the process

Go running - feel like crying, but usually too exhausted

Go to health fair - hope coworkers don't notice the three pamphlets on stress and depression I pick up

Writing - try, doesn't make me feel better anymore, and I'm completely uninspired

Listen to music - soundtracks the best because they don't sing about heartbreak, love, or any of that crap because (you'll be so shocked) it makes me want to cry

Cook - manage to hold it together

Eat - not in the mornings, mostly not hungry, or crave nothing but carbs and starches

Worry - ALL THE TIME ABOUT EVERYTHING

Self-esteem - nope

Motivation - nyet

Desire to feel better - immense, but easily discouraged these days, and more prone to just panic about stuff

Life - bleak

Officially, I feel like crap.

Unofficially, I think I've got clinical depression, I can't wait for it to be Tuesday so I can finally meet with someone about it, and sometimes I wish I just wouldn't wake up in the morning.




Normally I'm pretty good at just daydreaming my sadness away, but I can't seem to make it work anymore.  I used to be so good at bringing myself up when I was down, or at least letting other people lift me in quick time, but now, all I feel is empty and miserable and a burden to others.  My thoughts trend to the more upsetting end of the spectrum, and I want to feel like my old self, but I don't think that's possible.  Too much has gone wrong in my life this year, and I don't see a silver lining to any of it.  I don't see a future for me.

Probably should be doing real work like organizing the kitchen and mailing bills and making sure my bank account isn't at zero...but I'm not.  Instead I plan to regale you with the stories of Cowtown Jamborama X.  Get comfy, maybe grab a snack.

I will try not to bore you with the many organizational plans I had for getting all the volunteering stuff, though I will say that I'm not at all afraid of delegating things.  And in the long run, me not being responsible for everything was probably wise.  The Wednesday before Cowtown I went back to my house and borrowed some housing stuff from my mom, since we were supposed to be housing two people (more on that adventure later), and then hung around and ate dinner, and found it difficult to leave because the house was so cozy, and because it was pouring down rain when I left.  I managed to get back to the flat, though it was raining harder than it had probably for the whole summer and I couldn't get the bedding out until Thursday.  

Flash forward to Thursday afternoon, me running around like crazy to get the house tidied up a little, Adam coming over to do small home improvements to our bathroom, buy food, etc., before I needed to be at the airport when I discovered that the finished room in the basement was damp and soggy from being flooded the night before.  Oh joy.  Panic did not set in just then, I had too much else to do.  Once Adam and I had finished hanging the towel rack, he went off to help set up the Thursday night dance, and I went to the airport to pick up our weekend lodger, Claire.  She was coming from St. Louis where she studies, originally from California, and I knew I liked her the moment we met since she was wearing a Stark-Rogers 2012 campaign t-shirt, and had a button on her hat that said, "I believe in Sherlock."  Was she ever staying in the right house.  We picked up her luggage and headed back to the house where I attempted to get my bearings, and then we headed off to the Thursday night dance.  But food was necessary, so we found the venue, and then walked a few blocks to get pizza with Amanda, Lacey, Eric, and Jose.  Once stuffed, it was back to the club with the Black Top Ramblers, who were awesome but OH SO LOUD!!!  Louder than that.  No, seriously, louder.

Aside from the band, the group wasn't too big or small, there was some pretty good dancing, even if I never actually put my Keds on.  Adam and I danced to a song that was all about Adam Cartwright from Bonanza (there's a song, who knew?) and Eric watched the Bears lose to the Packers, and Kim and David taught the Stroll, and for about 45 minutes, it was like Soul Train in the club.  After that, we decided we valued our hearing, got slightly lost on the way back to the house and eventually sleep.

I was up and going as soon as I could the next morning, determined to be at the Eagles by 9:00 when we were allowed to open.  I had several projects ahead of me, ably assisted by several volunteers, and no major disasters until I'd been there at least 40 minutes.  Sharon took care of the desk, Mike started his first class, Ruth handled the food, Eric helped hang curtains that Lee made especially for the ugly corner in the back, and then our director called with news.  The drummer for Saturday night's band flying from New Orleans was ill with botulism and definitely would not be flying that day.  Instead our director worked to get him on the next day's flight as long as he was able to walk.  All in all, not a totally major blowup, and there wasn't a whole lot I could do to fix it, so instead, I just dealt with the rest of the day, which went pretty well.

Friday was easily the most stressful day, so much to think about and get in order, but I managed to have a little fun, and buy two t-shirts, and talk to people.  I wanted to dance more, but there was too much to do that day.  After the dance, I ran home and changed, and then went back to the Eagles to pick up the instructors for their dinner at Susanna's house.  My driving coordinator Jacquelyn could not have been more patient or invaluable that weekend, she was everything I needed and more.  And Susanna's house was gorgeous, and it provided me at least an hour of not needing to be anywhere, take a rest, enjoy fine weather and company.

I must point out that I probably spent eighty percent of my waking hours for the Cowtown weekend standing up.  I had some issue with sitting down, mainly every time I managed to get there, something would happen that required my presence.  Usually my phone ringing.  Ah, well.

After dinner, I took Kim and David back to the hotel, swept back to my house, rapid changed (one more skill for my superhero set), and made it over to the Friday dance in excellent time.  That night's band, the Robert Bell combo, hailing from Minnesota and previously heard at Heartland was swing, was pretty awesome.  It was nice to be able to dance right in front of the stage and not get your hearing blown up.  I also put myself into the Jack and Jill contest, which in retrospect, was probably not my greatest decision ever, but it's one of the few times where I'm not afraid to compete in front of a huge crowd.  However, I was not really built for super performance that night (I was a little tired), and I only danced with people I knew, but it wasn't bad at all.  I really only compete for fun, I know my skills have not hit their best yet, and I would actually have to focus more on my dance training to really get anywhere.  Oh, to be Chelsea from Wichita.

The rest of the evening went fine, I was getting pretty punchy towards the end though, and once I had the ballroom squared away, I dropped into the after hours, and then left to get some sleep. I hate it when I get all bitchy like that, but there were certain factors involved, and really, going home and sleeping was probably the best for everyone.

Saturday morning dawned and I was back down to the Lodge, making waffles with Andrew, working with Sharon and Josie at the desk, chatting with people, and actually managed to take a few classes that day.  Lunch was Indian food once again, as it has been for the last two years of my Cowtown experience, Saturdays are always for chicken tikka masala.  Which is still delicious, so really no complaints.  Before lunch, I took a class with Mike and Casey which was really pretty below my level, and overcrowded with follows, so when I had a chance I bowed out, and managed to learn the aerial Kim and David were teaching upstairs.  Adam was really good at it, and it's not nearly as scary as some aerials I've learned.  After lunch, Eric and I took Peter and Mia's advanced bal swing class, which was fun, no matter how bad Eric insisted he was.  After that, I promised everyone I would go take a nap while classes finished up, which sounded like a great plan.

In fact, once I got home, I did a little clean up, enjoyed the quiet, didn't hear my phone go off once, and was all psyched to take a nap on my new flannel comforter cover that I hadn't had a chance to put on my bed yet.  However, as I was shaking it out across my huge bed, I stepped through one of the wooden panels on my floor.  Oh, great.  Upon closer inspection, it was in fact termites.  I took a picture, sent it to my landlady, and proceeded to have a minor meltdown.  Eventually, though, I realized that like the New Orleans drummer, there wasn't a whole lot I could do about it right away, and though I didn't have enough time for a nap, I did have time to lie down and read, which is almost better than a nap for me.  After about forty minutes with prose by John Mortimer, I got up, and headed back to the hotel to ship instructors to Ruth's house.  I got some excellent stories about termite swarms from Mia, and Mike was very friendly about the whole thing (I wasn't totally beyond venting about it, but I tried not to make it my only topic of conversation.  Did I mention I was stressed?).  And Ruth's house proved to be another nice lull in the action where I got to sit, eat, and chat with people.  And attempt to forget about termites.  On the way back, with Mike, David, and Mia in the car, I got the hilarious story of why they all like staying at the hotel next door to the Eagles, one word: convenience.  Well, okay, but it was amusing.  Plus, my Captain America soundtrack was playing, and as Mia said there was some pretty epic music happening, and I explained how I liked to motivate myself on the drive to work, being a superhero, punching Nazis.  David said he would try to work that into their aerial warmups.

Another quick change back at the house, and I made it Saturday night (band complete with tired, little woozy, but completely there drummer) plenty early.  No competitions for me that night, and I was free to enjoy myself for the most part.  The couples competition was pretty sweet, and I managed to dance in front of the whole audience with the Cow...I still don't know how I feel about that.  For most of that night, I just enjoyed myself and that seemed to be enough.  Once the evening rounded itself out, I had the joy of herding up the volunteers (how do people stand me?  Even more, why do they take orders from me?), but we got the instructors and the band to the late night venue, cleared up the ballroom as much as possible, and made our own way to Studio 906 for the late night festivities.

Studio 906 is such a weird place, and in kind of a creepy neighborhood, but since building the new baseball stadium just down the street, it was not nearly as scary walking around down there.  Still didn't exactly go alone, but I wasn't really worried about being ambushed.  And I was without my armed guard for the evening, after all.  I had a taco that was mostly cheese, one Jello shot that was my entire alcohol intake for the whole of Saturday, enjoyed some goofy photography with friends, and had a nice chat with some of the instructors.  David and I had a fun talk about baseball, that was pretty cool.  I was also the early shuttle for instructors back to the hotel, but I only drove Mike who wanted to get some rest in case Peter brought people back to the room for more drinking and carousing.  Not a bad or impossible scenario, but Mike was very tired, so I zipped him back to the hotel and had a friendly chat with him.  I made another stop at the late night, since driving Mike took very little time, and I was surprisingly alert and awake despite the long hours.  I think I was slightly afraid of going back to the house and the newly-discovered inhabitants.  But everyone was having a good time, everything was under control, and I think I left at about 2 or 2:30.  I think that's the latest I've ever stayed at the late night.  After that, it was a quick change and into bed to sleep.

Sunday morning I was up by nine or so, and running a bit behind since I was still tired...but it turned out not to be a big deal since I was the only person at the Eagles until about ten minutes before the first class.  First emergency of the day was no water jugs and no cash box, but all was quickly remedied.  Classes went on while Carol cleaned up her vintage closet, corn came to be shucked, and a good time was had by all.  I managed to get in a couple more classes, and I really enjoyed Peter's lecture on swing at the end, which was kind of general explanation on the origins of swing, and its history.  He said lovely things about Cowtown, and in general made me feel proud to be a swing dancer and a part of something truly significant.

And then...the Corn Eating Contest took place.  First up, the junior division, which is really too adorable and very entertaining.  Billy's daughter won, as well as wore a cow suit to the contest.  It rather upset Ryan's daughter, but there were only three of them in the whole thing, and luckily Vivian's little girl is too young to take it very seriously.  I think the audience enjoyed it more than the competitors.  Finally, the adults were brought to the stage, which had various dramas, like Ben and his unfortunate method of eating corn, Jacquelyn and Josh competing for cleanest cob, Andy who was game to win, and the piece de resistance, the female instructors all dressed as swing dancing zombies.  Kim actually grabbed my arm, they were bleeding and buttering each other, it was pretty awesome.  All in all, Billy won, and then we all cleaned up the mess (Ben makes the largest, even the salt shaker was sticky), and called it a day at the Eagles.  I tried to get out of there as quick as I could since I had to get over to the evening venue in what seemed like a very short amount of time.  Managed it all the same, but there were plenty of hysterics before I could settle down.

Our last venue was the gorgeous House of Loom, which was small but for Sunday night that's pretty safe.  The Careless Lovers set up as the band, the bartenders took care of the booze, and the bouncer dealt with the carding the underage crowd.  And I claimed myself a green velvet fainting couch in the balcony, and when Susanna showed up to cover the front desk for me, I had a well-deserved cocktail.  In fact there was a lot of discussion with the lady bartenders about what I should drink, and after two pretty, delicious French 75s, I unwound from my stress, and put my feet up on that velvet couch...and admittedly acted pretty silly, but I don't think I ever got out of line, and it seemed to amuse several people.  Then there was the Charleston contest, which I hope we have every year, because solo Charleston is sooo cool to watch.  Or maybe it was because I was tipsy, I'm not sure.  I didn't dance much, because of my lack of coordination, but I got to say goodbye to everyone, and eventually trucked back home to sleep (when I was safe to drive, thank you).

This year's Cowtown went great, I think.  I don't know what the final numbers were or anything, but everyone sure seemed to be in good spirits throughout, and whatever disasters I might have seen were probably things that only I could see anyway.  Everyone made it home safely from the biggest swing party in the Midwest, and hopefully we'll have a bigger and even better one next year.

Better start my spreadsheet now...=).

All right, I'm going to write something while I'm in a good mood and hopefully keep it that way.  Life, seriously, you're too much sometimes, but we should stick together a bit longer.

Anyway, Labor Day weekend!  What an adventure!  And actually the days leading up to it.  Cecily and I officially signed our lease and became renters of our cute little duplex.  Then began the preparation of trying to get everything together in order to live there...still a bit of a work in progress.  But I have a place to sit, a place to sleep, a place to shower, and working locks, so it's getting there.  I bought things I didn't need at Pottery Barn Kids, though I do love the desk, and the bookshelf is actually pretty great, and hopefully they'll last a while.  Adam sold me his bed, and after two nights, I like it a lot.  It's still a bit like sleeping in a hotel, new sheets, new pillows, and such, but it sure is comfy.

The room has been rearranged twice.  The computer is almost together, and I have at least one box of books up in the room.  My movers/epic friends Adam, Eric, Frank, and Joe were the backbone of the moving operation, with the addition of Ryan who provided his truck for moving the bed.  Also, my work supervisor also proved to be a SUPER supervisor when she brought her van to help move the expensive Pottery Barn stuff.  And everything worked out pretty well.  I took Eric and Joe out for lunch, with its own shenanigans, and pretty much had a nice moving day.

It's still an adjustment; my legs and feet are not used to hardwood floors (I need a better pair of slippers), spiders tend to come out of the vents (apparently I can buy a spray for that), the kitchen has no counter space or storage space (we can fix that too, but I see why people move into houses with giant kitchens), the backporch light is burned out (hello, landlady, help?) and the bathroom door is super squeaky (WD-40, boom!).  I could use some curtains, and my stereo, but the place is quiet and clean, and just in need of people living in it for longer than a week.

Other than that, the weekend was fun-filled, lots of birthdays and parties, and hanging out at the old homestead with my little brother.  We had ourselves some times with cookies and MST3K.  I will admit, I can't wait to have dinner at home soon.  Panera is still not on par with my mom.  Or even my dad.  Plus until I get a table, there's no real place to eat in the house.  Also, the couch needs to get over there soon, there's not too many places for a crowd to sit.  Ahh, so many things.  I have a running list the length of a marathon, though it's really more like a triathalon.

Other than that, fall is approaching, Cowtown is peeking around the corner about to jump into my face, and hopefully we'll have the house settled before winter comes.  It was very lonely that first night, but last night was much better when people came by to visit.  First Adam to build the computer, then Natalie and her friend Rachel to hang out, and then Eric to eat his dinner and visit.  Natalie and Rachel brought cookies, Adam discovered my computer needs a different power source, Eric and Adam checked the place over, and then there was a quest for ice cream.

Good times, good times.  More later, perhaps.  Ack, I still need a desk chair.

Wow, this year has really become exhausting.  Too much going on.  I don't know if this year has been better or worse than last year, at the moment it just seems more complicated.  It's hard not to feel sad, so many sad things keep happening, and there isn't much to stop them from happening again.  In my heart and mind, the saner parts at least, I know all these things are happening for good reason, and that usually what goes on is for the best, but seriously, it would be nice if the best thing didn't have to make me feel like crap.  I feel like I've cried more this year than I have in a long, long time, and every good accomplishment comes with a punishment.  I don't know if the world has to keep some sort of balance or what.  Unfortunately, the bad always seems to outweigh the good.  Probably because the bad is so definite and permanent and scary, while the good is intangible, delicate, and simple.

Is the pain a sign that the love was true?  That something precious is gone?  It's hard to tell.  And I struggle with letting myself mourn sufficiently because I can't tell what's a healthy amount of time and what's just putting me down.  I'm afraid I'm depressed and in complete denial.  I don't know if I'm addressing my grief properly, or if it's being pushed under the rug, slowly becoming a problem that will trouble me later.  I've never been through a year like this before, and I don't really know how to navigate the minefield.  I cry a lot, which is exhausting.  I eat too much, or stop eating altogether, which is unhealthy.  I don't know if talking about it makes me feel better or worse, so I don't know if I should talk about it at all.  And I don't want to bring everyone else down into my misery, so I don't want to talk about it.  The fear of the unknown is so much bigger than what people think.  Being afraid of your own future is probably a serious issue.

So I don't really know what to do these days.  My big big plans have kind of fallen by the way since July.  Moving might help.  Seeing the family and being on the farm did help.  I struggle with finding my inner balance, to stay in a place that makes me feel content, if not completely happy.  There's just too much sadness sometimes.  I want to crawl into my bed and hide there and sleep everything away.  It might be a cowardly decision, but who isn't a coward when they see pain and anguish coming for them?  At least a little bit.

My grandpa died last week, and his passing felt so much harder than when my grandma died.  It could be because Grandma died suddenly, and I spent most of that mourning period in shock, while Grandpa was sick for months.  It could also be that I feel very much alone these days.  Eric was with me when I went through my grandma's passing, and after we broke up, I felt so empty.  And when I realized I was going to have to face Grandpa's death alone, that was hard.

Oh, my, I just brought myself down writing that.  I don't like this.  I don't like the way this feels, but how do I get rid of it?  Should I?  I mean, I assume that I'll feel better eventually, but do I bandage the wound or cut it off?  I don't know.  It's too hard to think about sometimes.  Should I even be blogging about it?  Sorry you guys are suffering through this if you're even still reading this.

Let's write about reality for a little while, shall we?  I should, it's been a CRAZY summer, it seems.  And even though August is still new, it feels like fall is looming on the horizon.  I'm telling you, craziness.

But it does keep life adventurous.  And even though not every adventure is a fun one, it helps move time along, and as always, adversity brings experience.  I'd rather have fun and experience, but if experience is the best thing to draw out of a not-particularly-nice adventure, I'll take it.  I do find myself quite often these days saying, "I love-" and biting off the last word.  That'll get better too.

At least apartment hunting has been a good adventure.  Occasionally frustrating, and there have been some scary landpeople out there, but some neat places to live.  Cecily and I looked at an apartment building that was completely out of our price range, but the place had just been redone, and the owner was just keen to show it off.  She knew we weren't really able to live there, but it was really nice of her to let us tramp around all those gorgeous apartments.  If there had been a one bedroom left, we might've taken it, since the "one bedroom" apartments were really more like two or three room, but alas they were all taken.  The penthouse was very impressive, two floors to itself, four or five bedrooms, three bathrooms, giant kitchen, a balcony overlooking the semi-ballroom, and I just love the windows.  Of course, to live there, it would've been us...and at least six other people.  Sigh, some other time, perhaps.

Also, Cowtown approaches...oh boy, I am excited and nervous and all that.  This will be my first year in charge of the volunteers and last year went so well, that I hope I live up to at least that.  Everyone keeps telling me not to worry, and I'm trying not to...but there's always the anxiety that the whole thing will break because of me.  Irrational?  Totally.  But a little fear will probably keep me in check.

Other than that, summer's still kicking.  I should cook tonight.  Now there's an adventure.

For the negative six people waiting for the outcome of my character blacking out (seriously, who reads this?!), here is the continuation.


The first sensation when I regained consciousness was a melon-splitting headache.  Wincing, I opened my eyes to a way too bright room, and three faces.
"May?  May, open your eyes, all the way," the blurry face with glasses said.
I did my best to comply.  Holy cow, when did the box get so bright?  It stung my eyes and I held a noodle-limp arm up to cover the light.
"What happened?" I gasped, reviewing myself for injuries or abnormalities.  My chest was heaving for breath and my elbows felt bruised.  I kept blinking until the fuzziness went away, and I could see Dr. Banner, Stark, and Capt. Rogers clearly again.
"You passed out from oxygen deprivation.  Using all that solar energy burned up the supply of oxygen in your body.  You should be all right in a minute," Banner told me, timing my pulse with his watch.
The captain held my other hand.
"Lie still, May.  Keep breathing."
"Slowly, you don't want to hyperventilate," the doctor said.
I put my head back and took four deep breaths until the desperate desire for air went away and I struggled to sit up, leaning into the captain as the room started spinning.
"You all right, May?  Everything feel normal?" Stark asked, waving something electrical in my direction, picking up readings.
"Yeah, I think so.  I've never done that before," I said, still not completely settled in mind and body. 
"I'm pretty sure we don't need to repeat the experience anytime soon," Stark said, standing up and going back to his data terminal.
"Did you learn anything?" I asked.
"Loads of things.  We should make you an alternative energy source," Banner quipped, satisfied with my pulse's normality.
I smiled, the dizziness fading away at last.
"Who's greener, you or me?" I teased him.
Shifting to stand up, the captain caught my elbow.
"You're sure?" he asked, looking me in the eye.  Annoyingly, I blushed, and hid my face.
"Yes, I'm fine."
Rogers helped set me on my feet and walked me out of the box, Stark and Banner tapping away at their screens.
"It's pretty impressive that you can choose what energy you want to produce.  And from the looks of things, you can choose from quite a few," Banner said, talking and typing at the same time.
I came up to the set of screens, trying to see what he saw, instead of rapidly calculating numbers and flashing charts and graphs.
"What's there?" I asked.
"JARVIS, tell the little lady about her big power," Stark called out, still focused on his screens.
"In order of strength, energy readings include nuclear, solar, electrical, lunar, magnetic, radio, heat..."
The information trailed off as JARVIS listed a bunch of words that didn't register with me.  I looked down at my hands, the same hands they'd always been, pale skin with visible blue veins covering the long fingers and wide palms.  It almost overwhelmed me that these hands could produce nuclear power.  I knew after the first energy outburst that started all of this that there was something a little bit different about me, but to hear Stark and Banner explain it all in detail...
I felt dizzy again and caught myself on Capt. Rogers.

You know what time it is?  Yes, it's time for me to indulge in one of my favorite guilty pleasures...WRITING FAN FICTION.  Oh, yes, that's the kind of girl I am.  Read if you dare.




"Are you sure about this?  I might blow up the building," I said, raising an eyebrow at the test.
Tony Stark snorted lightly, taking my doubts about his construction design a little personally.
"Relax, this thing could absorb a nuclear explosion.  Actually, three nuclear explosions, or four nuclear meltdowns.  In," the brilliant engineer said, shoving me towards the chamber.
The heels of my sneakers squeaked as I planted them in the floor, still cautious.
"How do you know I won't do something to destroy myself?" I asked.
Stark rolled his eyes.
"We won't go overboard.  Don't worry, we'll be very careful with our science," Dr. Banner spoke up behind him from his numerous monitors and scientific instruments.  I looked back at him and he gave a sincere and encouraging nod.
I turned back to the chamber door and took a deep breath.
"Okay, then."
I stepped inside the big square box made of incredibly strong metal and glass.  Well, at least, I thought it was metal and glass, but it was probably more impressive.  I went to stand in the center, watching Stark join Banner behind the panel of monitors that would track and record everything I did inside the box.
"JARVIS, you around?" Stark said to the air.
"At the ready, sir," the smooth British accent echoed from the speakers connected to his CPU.
"Let's get started."
The door of the box slid shut and clanked as it locked and sealed me in.  My ears popped from the sudden pressure.  A wave of claustrophobia swept across my nose but I put it aside.  I could see Stark and Banner, but more important, I could see the emergency escape switch on my side of the door.  Not a prison, just a box.
"Do your thing, May," Stark said over the loudspeaker.
I screwed up my mouth in a pinched frown.  I didn't really have a "thing", and it wasn't something easily switched on.  I tried to concentrate, but just found my brain working itself up.
"Come on, do something."
I turned my frown on Stark but he wasn't even looking at me.
"We're waiting!" he whined at me, and my blood pressure was the only thing that changed.
"Stop yelling at me!  I'm not your experiment!" I snapped.
Finally he looked up, brown eyes reflecting the light from the box.  He was a handsome devil, but Banner knew he was going about it all wrong.
"May," the doctor began, "hold up your hands and just think about the lightning."
I stopped glaring at Stark, but I still frowned.
"Okay," I said, in a voice that promised to try, but was doubtful of success.
And yet, it was stupidly simple.  I held up my hands, closed my eyes, and remembered the feeling of those huge electric bolts shooting from my fingertips and sparkling off my palms.  The strange pull of energy beginning at my heart and streaming through my arms, and there was the solution.  I opened my eyes, and the box was lit up like a summer storm.  The shock of it made me stop at once.
"Whoa," I murmured.  I glanced at the panel of monitors and Banner and Stark were having a similar reaction.
"JARVIS," Stark said at last, "analysis."
"Direct current electricity, power of two hundred thousand watts at maximum strength, power of ten thousand watts at minimum."
The data flashed up on the glass walls of the box for me to see as the computer spoke.  Fancy graphics and charts spun before my eyes.  Behind the data-covered windows, Banner and Stark focused on their tools.
"All right, May, you want to try something else?" the doctor asked.
Recklessly, I shut my eyes again and let the lightning flow out of my hands, and thought about nothing but the source.  The power emerging from my core felt a little different, and I opened my eyes to look, hoping not to freak out.  All around me, light glittered like fireworks, arcing back and forth between me and the beams of the box.  It didn't look like regular lightning.  Cautiously, I took a step forward, letting the energy dance around me.  I noticed the lightning licking across my feet and arms, and felt nothing more intense than what was coming out of my hands.  Suddenly, I dropped the idea of just emitting energy from my hands, and the light emerged from my skin everywhere.  I could feel lightning burst from my nails, my hair, my kneecaps, my teeth.
The pull on my core became stronger, but not overwhelming.  I looked outside the box, seeing Stark and Banner both staring at me with wide eyes.
The lightning stopped.
"What is it?" I asked them.
It took them a moment to respond, gathering their thoughts.
"May, you're emitting enough energy to light up all of North America," Dr. Banner said.
"It's more than just electricity," Stark said, examining his monitors. "It's a combination of electricity, light on all wavelengths, solar energy, and more, and it's extrememly potent."
I raised an eyebrow.
"So it's not just light?"
Stark shook his well-groomed head.
"Nope.  Is that all you can manage?"
He asked it without condescension, looking at me in quiet fascination.
"I can probably do more."
The far doors of the lab swished open and an elegant pair of people entered, Stark's assistant and CEO of his industries, Pepper Potts, and the noble patriot, Capt. Steve Rogers.  The captain smiled at me and I smiled back.
"What's going on, Doc?" he asked Banner, not taking his eyes from me.
"We're getting a read on May's abilities.  It's pretty impressive," Banner told him absently as his fingers flew across his monitors.
Rogers nodded, and joined him and Stark behind the bank of research equipment.  Potts handed Stark some papers and then quietly withdrew, not interested in disturbing what seemed more and more like a very important study.
"She's just about to show us the extent of her skill, or at least give it the college try," Stark said, equally distracted in his response.
Rogers looked over the monitors, gazing at the readouts, then looked up at me.
"Don't overdo it, May.  No sense in straining yourself," he said.
I resisted the intense urge to sigh.  The captain was such a kind man, to me especially it seemed, but my opinion was disgustingly biased.  Ever since he, Stark, and Banner had discovered me in that well-buried government prison, his face always brought relief.  My powerful core tingled at the memory of him carrying my broken body out into the spring rain, to freedom and safety.
"I'll be careful," I promised.
"Let her rip," Stark said.
I took a deep breath, filling my chest completely.  As I exhaled, I let everything my core could produce radiate out.  Electricity zapped off my eyelashes, the box became a blinding source of light, and I felt like my feet floated over the floor.  Slowly, a weight pressed down on my chest, making it difficult to get a real breath.  I focused, trying to identify the different energies I could produce.  Solar power flowed out of me, and I felt pleasantly warm for a few minutes, every inch of me sparkling gold.  Then the strain started to become too much, and a block of ice formed in my already-heavy chest.  I struggled for breath while maintaining the gorgeous light, and the cold overtook me in spite of the warmth all around me.  Collapsing to the floor as I heard JARVIS speaking over the blood pounding in my ears, I blacked out.

I'm watching Rear Window right now and it's making me smile.  I can relate to the beautiful Lisa Fremont who's in love with her own occasionally-grumpy camera bum.  I'm not exactly the fashionable model Grace Kelly (an $1100 dress would probably cause me to faint), but I do admire her.  And luckily Eric doesn't have a broken leg or things could get interesting in a homicidal neighbor way.


But anyway.


My parents have been gone a while, looking after Dad's parents.  Grandma fell and broke her hip, and things looked a little risky for her for a bit, but she rallied, and Dad says she's going to be okay.  Long recovery, but that sounds way better than the alternative.  It's been pretty stressful on everyone, and I think we're all looking forward to normalcy.  Soonest.


In the meantime, Jack and I have been looking after ourselves (newsflash: we are low maintenance cooks).  I also have to remember to water the plants and do dishes, Jack does trash and gets the mail.  Yay temporary roommates!  I have no idea what we'll do about the lawn, but I'm sure it'll be fine.  Sadly, it took us five days to get the mailbox open.  We're dysfunctional but functional?  Oh, well, the house is still standing, we haven't killed the cars, each other, or anything else, and, um, yeah.


Aside from our domestic hysterics (wee!), I went to the Champions Workshop last weekend with all the lovely people from Minnesota, Mike and Eve, Dee and Jeremy-Many=Names.  They were all great.  Mike and Jeremy are really fun dancers, especially Jeremy.  I danced with him twice and he likes to play.  That's so rare but fun.  Eve is very sweet, and Dee is just wonderfully sassy.  She taught us to groove, and I'll admit that I probably look like a total goof working my hips but I love it.  I need more groovy swing and blues.  And someone to dance with me to that music, but it would work alone.  We also got to watch the Heartland Hepcat and the Cowtown Cow hang out, dance, play Rock Band.  Good times.


Otherwise work is work.  I'm excited for Sunflower Swing, getting away for a little while, seeing my other grandpa, and maybe shopping?  I feel like I need something pretty to wear.  I love my new purple shoes (even if they cost me more than a pair of Aris Allens), and after learning from Mike, Eve, Dee, and Jeremy, I'm pretty psyched to keep learning dance.  I still love it.  I wish I had more time and money and ability to devote to it.  I fear the infamous game of Bases I went to over Memorial Day has done something to my leg.  Or it could be stress, I'm not really sure.  My left leg hurts, I do know that.  But yeah, more dancing.  Dance, dance, dance.  I don't know if I'll get to STL this summer, as I'd like to, but maybe I'll just save it up for Nevermore in November.


One never knows.


I wish I could dress and look more like Grace Kelly.  So glamorous, though I don't know if would do me much good.  I think I'll stick to being just me.  It's worked so far.

Ugh...too tired to blog.


Okay, that's not at all true.  I just feel like I'm blathering on a lot these days.  Nobody needs to hear this stuff.  Seriously, are you reading this?  Why?!

*sigh*  Anyway...

Apparently I'm not in enough different places at once these days.  I remember when I was a quiet girl who spent most of her time at home.  Still do, really.  People say life should be lived to the fullest, and you won't look back on your life thinking how awesome it was to get enough sleep.  Well, I'm pretty sure if I don't get enough sleep, I will look back and think I was a real jerk to people because I was tired.  And that life might not be so long if I drive into a lamp post.  Don't sleep and drive.  Tell your friends.

Um, saw the new Avengers movie and it was quite good.  I had my hangups having been disappointed with Iron Man 2, and not hearing great things about Captain America or Thor, but it was a delightful movie filled with action sequences and witty dialogue, and several attractive heroes to stare at.  I don't think I could pick just one.  Tony Stark is a dashing smartass, Steve Rogers is noble and dreamy, Bruce Banner is understated and humorous, Clint Barton kicks butt without wearing sleeves most of the time...I could go on and on.  However, the Hulk wins the funny award, and where would we be without Lou Ferrigno?

Also, I'm sorry Edward Norton, you were good, but Mark Ruffalo was better.  Learn to play well with others, Ed.

What else?  Swing dancing goes on.  I'm trying to get excited about taking more classes and getting some focused learning done, but life seems to get in the way.  So far I've missed two of the four weeks of my balboa class...*sigh*.  I want to take classes in Wichita, but I don't know.  I feel pressed for time management, and money may become an issue depending on how things go.  I'm also a little worried about Cowtown, and I'm sure the anxiety is only going to grow as we get closer.  I want to start planning but I have no idea what to plan.  Ack.  Neuroses, everywhere, in the fridge, under the couch, hanging from the ceiling.  Everywhere!

Been getting lots of book club time, though.  Sherlock is ticking along nicely, plus the new series was pretty good.  I thought the second season was a little overly complex, but they probably try to cram a lot in since they only get three episodes a season.  Also, regular book club has been a nice get together.  Our member Jen is moving to Texas so we all got together for drinks and hear all about her new house and adventures in moving.  I had a margarita and hardly noticed the booze, which means I'm either getting used to it, or I really didn't care at the time.  But I was sad to see Jen go, she's a lovely person with a wicked sense of humor.  And we had our usually meeting yesterday, and to quote Susie, we kicked it old school.  The old meeting place with a pretty involved discussion.  It was pretty fun.

Otherwise, summer is fast approaching.  The weekends are warm and pleasant, with the occasional summer storm.  Eric and I take a few walks once in a while, I leave my roof open when I drive, I'm debating on buying a new swimsuit (I don't think the old one fits anymore).  I'm really okay with summer being here, I just kind of want it to be summer for a long time.

For being too tired to blog, this has become a long entry.

Oh, boy.  I think my family has hit their hospital quota for the year.  Can we please give it a rest?  My paranoia getting a little out of control worrying about it, which is exhausting.  And so I try to suppress it and not think about it, which oddly, is also exhausting.  So I'm exhausted, and this weekend's dancing combined with a two mile hike on the hunt for a two room apartment has also exhausted my feet.


But at least Cecily and I found some fun looking apartments and duplexes, and got some ice cream to burn off our exercise.  It stormed a lot last week, but I had more issues with allergies than anything else.  The humidity came up a LOT and it was also pretty warm, so it was a familiar atmosphere.  All I needed was some Imo's pizza, a sweat-soaked trip to the Gardens, and to run into somebody at just about any business in Webster, and it would've been just like being in STL.  Ah, well.  I read a quote today that I don't remember exactly, but it said in effect that we go back to our hometown to remember what it was like, but we're really searching for our childhoods.  I can get behind that.


I should find out when Diablo 3 comes out, because Eric will be busy, and won't notice if I go to STL for a weekend.  Though with all that's going on right now, I'm kind of afraid to go any further than his house.  Maybe across the river.  Ugh, enough with the stress.  It's making me erratic, and I can tell it's making me erratic because I get way too focused on little things these days.  I just want to let it go sometimes.  


Ugh, I am SUCH A SPAZ.


Maybe I'm the one who needs therapy.  It's been kind of a rough year.  But, like my other family members, we all don't believe things have been that rough.  I mean, things could be so much worse (not that I want it to be), but things could be harder.  I think we feel like life has just been taking its turn, and we shouldn't really complain.  My grandmother passed, but it was bound to happen (I don't think grandma was sitting on top of the fountain of youth, she was never vain like that, plus she believed devoutly in Heaven, and that's probably where she is right now.  Hopefully having a nice cocktail and listening to Ella Fitzgerald while chatting with St. Francis).  It doesn't really count as a tragedy.  I think my family has this unspoken feeling that because we haven't actually suffered a tragedy, we don't need therapy.  We would never look down on anyone who does, there's nothing wrong with it.  I just think we don't consider ourselves entitled.  Me personally, why should I take up some therapist's time, when there's probably someone out there who needs it way more than me for something awful that I don't really want to speculate on.


*sigh*  I don't know.  I just want to relax.  And for my shoes to be fixed already.  And to take a day off.  

I don't have a whole lot to blog about at the moment, I'm a little wound up at the present.  Nothing horrible, it's just hard to reflect on stuff.  However, I do bring you this humorous interlude as heard at my house:


Jack: "My knee hurts today."
Dad: "Does it feel like little people are moving around in it?"
Jack: "Yes, and they are trying to cause a revolt against me with other body parts."
Dad: "Is it your left knee?"
Jack: "It's my right."
Dad: "Well, then, it's probably not a Communist revolt going on there."






Wait for it.




Wait for it.










Did you get it?!  Oh, Dad.

Oh, boy.  I meant to start this yesterday but just as I was processing what I wanted to blog about, my mom came home in tears.   Long story short, my grandpa is terminally ill.  I'm not going to talk about it much here, and certainly not now.  Just that if I'm more than usually erratic for the next month, there's a reason.


Aside from all of that, I really just wanted to gush about my wonderful boyfriend and my delightful dearest friends.  Terry has decided to go to grad school in California, and finally someone came to his senses and started dating her.  He sounds pretty sweet, which she deserves so much.  And as for Eric, he just makes me smile.  Sometimes I feel really selfish in our relationship, but he's good to me all the same.  But I really try, I just haven't got it all figured out.


Other than that...I'm getting a little burned out with all the social stuff I've been going to lately.  I guess I'm just feeling a little pressured with all the social functions, with all that goes along with it.  That and it seems like everyone I know lives a half an hour away from me.  


Okay, done now.  Blog more later.

Well, this is the first time using the new blogger system-format-thingy and I'm already bemused by it.  Hopefully I can remember what's happened in the last few weeks despite the change.  Eep.


On the upshot, I can type in courier.  Why is that not my default font?!  Whatever, moving on to real stuff.


The last weekend in March was Kaleb's mystery partay, which had (according to the invite) a Princess Bride Downton Abbey Final Four March Madness theme.  Yep.  Be confused.  I was hoping for a Thin Man theme, but that's just because I want to wear my prom dress again.  On the other hand, my costume for my character of Pvt. Yellin the guard of Florin (I AM THE WARRIOR!!!), I did work in my pretty purple printed corset, and the Dread Pirate Roberts boots.  The party was really fun, if a bit confusing.  Everyone looked awesome, we are a group that knows how to dress.  The weird part was that we didn't always know what was going on, and info kind of trickled its way to you, and I still don't know how, but I managed to be one of the winners for good guesses?  I have no idea, but it got me a new book to add to my out-of-control library.  It was also really warm that evening (when has it been 90 in March in Omaha?  Never since I've been there), so my costume worked pretty well (I decided not to wear tights or leggings, and the venue was well air-conditioned).  However, we went home after the party, and I was very glad to get out of my corset.  People talk about the great feeling of getting the bra off at the end of the day, a corset is about ten times better feeling. 

In a quick aside, in reading my book by Dita Von Teese, she talks about the small scars on her back from all the tight-lacing, and after wearing mine for about four hours, I can see how that would be an issue.  I had some pretty intense red marks.  However, no permanent damage.  I'm just a casual corset wearer...as much as a corset can be casual.

Anyway, the next week was fine.  Cecily and I have been discussing possible living spots, and apparently the townhouse next to Adam's is for rent, so at some point, we'll get out acts together and go look for someplace to live.  Or go to the zoo, that would be fun too.  But first, Easter!  I didn't do the whole holy week like last year, but I did make it to mass on Saturday night to watch Eric get confirmed.  I am fascinated that there aren't more fire issues, with the candles in the dark and such.  I definitely dripped wax all over my hands despite precautions, but perhaps the church's carpet is fire proof.  Anyway, once mass was over, Eric was allowed to have ice cream again so we headed over to Frank's house for that.  Frank also made midnight breakfast, and we watched the tail end of the Ten Commandments.  Moses parted the Red Sea, Dathon built the golden idol, Joshua Man saved Lillia again, and God smote the unholy for behaving like idiots, and it was pretty good.  One of these days, I'm actually going to have time to watch the WHOLE THING.  I don't think I've ever done that.  I either catch the first half, when Moses is cast into the desert, or the second half, when Moses comes back to Egypt and gives Pharoah Yul Brynner what-for. 

Okay, for the record, my favorite way to watch that movie is with my brother Jack.  Of course, we are probably totally blaspheming when we do watch it together.

Anyway, that week my dad also went to check on my grandparents.  Grandma wasn't feeling good, and Grandpa needed some help, so enter Dad.  He was a little spooked going down there, but everything came together, so I think things will be fine.  Plus my dad has his aunt and a few cousins nearby, so they can help my grandparents in a more immediate time frame than Dad would from Omaha.  Jack's been having kind of a rough time too, but I think he'll be okay.  He just needs a little stability and for bad things to stop happening to people.  I'm sure somebody will get right on that.

Last weekend, Eric and I went to his friend Rachel's wedding, which was totally awesome.  I don't know Rachel very well, but I make a good wedding guest.  Eric was one of many photographers, and despite the intense storm that went on during the wedding, it was a lovely wedding.  I didn't cry much, which is best for everyone.  I think Jason and Rachel did a great job, and hopefully they're on the straight road to happiness.  They certainly have a good start.

And so wedding season has kicked off.  I think I have three more, one for sure, the other two are just possibilities.  And I'm sure there are more that I haven't been informed of yet, but hey. 

Oh my goodness, where does the time go?  April's more than half over, I need to read for book club, start arranging any summer plans to be, taxes are done, Holmes's plates have been updated, and I'm sure there are other things I need to do.  Work remains its usual work self, though soon I shall a larger desk to hide things.

And hey, new shoes this week!

Ahh, spring is here.  It's actually kind of freaking me out.  Seriously, it's March and it's about twenty degrees warmer than usual.  It's been like that for WEEKS.  I'm not complaining at all, no way, I'm just a little suspicious (and I'm not the only one) of what this means for the summer.  I can only imagine the two extremes, that it'll either be unbearably hot in June (done that) or it'll snow (I think the latest snow I've seen in my lifetime was when it snowed in May in STL when I was twelve).  But until the weather decides to freak out, I'm going to kick back and enjoy being able to leave all my heavy clothes at home, and try to figure out where I'm going to store all my knee socks until it gets cold again.

Oh, no.  I think I just jinxed it.  Maybe I'll just leave them where they are until July.  Anyway.

Things are going pretty well in general.  Work is going well, though I still need more to do, but I'm sure it's lying in wait for me.  Plus after what I've heard about my old department's progress, I'm really okay staying where I am.  They can move my desk, but I'll keep doing what I'm doing.  Or more, I could do more, if anyone's offering.  Starting to think about plans for the summer.  I haven't been dancing as much lately, which I feel bad about, but I'm too cheap to go to lessons every month, and Monday night is not as convenient as Saturday was, but I need to start getting active.  I feel like a blob.  I'm probably not, but I am glad my boyfriend likes walking a lot.

Oh, and I'm already sick of it being election year.  Last election was an issue of who did I think would do a better job, this election is who am I least likely to punch in the face?  Seriously, where did they find these people?  Some of them are so conservative that I am shocked that more people haven't seen the connection between ultra-conservatives and Islamic extremists.  Not ALL Islam, just the crazies who don't think women should have freedom, and that fun is a ridiculous capitalist idea.  Oh, boy.  It's all so depressing.  And I'm just going to say this now, purely my opinion, I do not mind if you disagree with it, just please try and respect it: if you're a man trying to impose your will on what a woman can do with her body and the associated functions, DON'T.  Unless you can have a period/child/yeast infection, you cannot attest to anything that a woman feels on any of those points.  Some days I wonder if people even know how to treat other people like human beings.  Also, your faith is not the only faith.  I'm sorry, this is a really big planet, there's a lot of people around, you're not wrong for what you believe in, but neither is anyone else.

Okay, okay, okay, I'm done.  That's it.  I will not talk about this stuff again this year (hopefully).  I hate how torqued off I get.  That's what I really, really hate about elections, it makes us all a little bit insane.

Anyway, better things to talk about.  No PrincessCon this year, schedules can just not be worked out, sadness, but I'm sure travel is in my future.  And I know my friends really want to go to London for next year, but to be honest, I've been to London.  I want to go to a beach.  Plus it's going to be expensive and I don't think I have enough vacation time for a week there.  I don't know.  I'm trying to psych myself up for it, but I don't really want to spend a thousand dollars on travel and burn all my vacation time just yet.  I'm planning to move out soon, and that's going to take a good chunk of things.  I don't know.

Gosh, what's with all the complaining?  Enough of that.

Eric and I had a great double date over the weekend with our friends Adam and Dianna.  I cooked my curlycue alfredo, and finally nailed the alfredo recipe.  I've been having issues getting it to thicken, turns out if you just keep adding cheese, it works out fine.  Eric made asparagus and a salad (I love his salads), and set a lovely table.  Adam and Dianna brought tasty bread pudding for dessert.  We enjoyed dinner and the lovely weather, watched Megamind (excellent flick), played some Quirkle (I won), and went down a rather bumpy slide (ow, my tush).  Our friends left and though it felt like it was only 10 at night, it was actually midnight.  Spring is blowing my mind, but at least my sinuses haven't totally exploded yet.

Let's see, Kaleb's mystery party is this weekend, apparently my swordfighter character carries a bow (seriously?  I'm carrying a sword anyway).  I also plan to wear a corset and a skirt, so I may be an unusual looking guard, but hey.  We'll see how it all goes.  And then April is here.  Holy cow.

Muppet Show theme will now be stuck in my head, and hopefully yours too.

I should blog, shouldn't I?  Blogging it shall be.

So after the rather epic birthday weekend, really the work week was just details until we left for Des Moines and the kick ball change of a swing workshop.  I can't believe I just wrote that.  Anyway, I did manage to go to the doctor and have my first physical probably since I quit contracting.  I really like my doc, she's really nice but a straight shooter about things.  I like that, fair and forthright.  Getting brutal honesty is just as brutal as it sounds, especially when it has to do with your body and health.  But luckily, I'm so healthy she can see why I haven't been in a while.  But regular upkeep should be encouraged.  Especially now that I'm getting out of my immortal 20's.  I will probably start need to eat and sleep and exercise regularly, and stuff.  With that in mind, I also managed to come down with a sinus infection right before the weekend, making my life pretty unpleasant, but not unbearable.  Just lots of coughing and a rather sore throat.

But I was determined to go, so after work on Thursday, I peeled my way home and finished packing, trekked over to Eric's house where we packed up his car, and then went over to pick up Jillian and her minimal amount of stuff.  She is the smartest packer of the three of us, but as has been well-established, Jillian is a minimalist, and Eric and I are alarmists.  We pack for the unexpected.  Also, we discovered Lee in a rather unfortunate neon Flashdance outfit, but since she claimed she wasn't leaving the house that day, I will not fault her for that.  It's not unusual for me to wear unacceptable things when I know I'm staying home.  With that, we set off for Des Moines and the Thursday night kick off for Heartland.

Despite a horribly ragged throat, I danced a lot more than I thought, and have established the Wonder Woman shirt as an excellent thing to wear.  My boyfriend sang once with the band, Verity and our soon-to-be new friend and roommate Hurley won the endurance contest, and we enjoyed dinner with a man from Scotland.  How lucky can we get?  We spent the night with Rae and Larry, aka Miss Heartland and Mr. Heartland.  The inflatable mattress was a little questionable (rolling over was difficult) and apparently Eric got mad at me during the night (neither of us actually remember that), and in the morning we were all a little weary, but when everyone was tidied up, Eric, Jillian, Verity, Amanda, Hurley and I went for breakfast and got to know each other, then Target to pick up some more supplies, and then to the hotel where we all hung out and enjoyed some excellent pool time.

Later on, when everyone finally found their roommates and began checking in, and got themselves arranged, we met up with Adam and Dianna and went for dinner at the brewery we went to last year.  It was quite tasty, and we managed to stay inside for the majority of the trip.  After dinner, we changed out and headed to the dance.  It was fun to meet up with people we hadn't seen in a while, and run into new people, and just dance dance dance.  Christian and Jenny from STL, Jeremiah and Evan from Wichita, our own Omaha gang, the loveable Iowans, and of course Jamin is always great to see.  I did not get to dance as much as I would've liked because of my nasty drainage, but it was a good time anyway.  We didn't make it to late night, but we did enjoy the Jack and Jill prelims, and seeing the Hepcat.  Sharon Davis did a burlesque routine that was quite impressive (less burlesque, more solo jazz).  Dianna and I have decided we should like to learn some burlesque.  Adam has decided he would like to watch us learn burlesque, and I'm willing to bet Eric would join him in that opinion.

The next morning we managed to sleep through the first class.  I would say I was upset but I really needed the rest, and I enjoyed the classes I managed to do.  Eric and I went to Sarah and Dax's class on musicality which was pretty cool.  We danced to live music, and had to adapt to what they did, which at first was really hard, but I think the more I think of the music while I'm dancing now, I just love to do it.  Then we went for lunch at Bread Co. and ate with Ben, Carol the Vintage Closet lady, Christopher from STL, and James and Lindsay came later.  Then we went back for class number two with Jamin and Janie, which was mainly awesome because of their teaching presence.  They taught kind of unexpected tricks to with the usual swing send outs and swing outs.  I also caught up with Rae to ask about the finalists for Miss Heartland, and though I didn't make the cut for the official position, I did make it into the calendar, which was all I really wanted anyway, so it all worked out.  More on that later.

In the evening, we were diverted from making it into Zombie Burger (more on that later too), and went for Greek food instead.  I think we turned out taking up half the restaurant, but it all worked out there too.  Then we prepped for the dance and headed over in time to see the African demo, which I like, it wasn't quite as extensive as last year's but those ladies have skill.  I bought a big new hair flower from Sarah, which is lovely and came in handy.  Danced a lot with Eric and Christian and Hurley and Jamin.  Adam and I managed to St. Louis shag without getting ourselves killed...mostly.  I had to rest for the next few songs.  We watched the partner contest, and Christian and Jenny were definitely who I was rooting for.  And they managed to win!  Eric also got some pretty awesome pics of the coolest Cardinals fans in the room.  The evening rounded out with the contest winners, and as a Miss Heartland contestant, that also meant I got to be a prize girl.  Our official Miss Heartland 2012 was also crowned, and I think they picked a pretty good one.  She and Rae have real dedication to the position.  We also enjoyed a last song with the band where it turned into a bit of a mosh pit.  Dax managed to crowd surf.  The energy in the room was epic.  I love Heartland.

We were lame and went back to the room to sleep after that.  I'm a little bummed about not having as much energy this year as last, but I still had a brilliant time...so I don't know what I'm complaining about.  Though I did wake up Sunday morning with all the sinus drainage clogging my head.  Perfect setup for a pinup girl photoshoot.  Eric woke me up before he went to church, and then I got up to shower and pack all my stuff again, and figure out what to do for my photoshoot.  Next year, I hope I have warning before I actually go to the shoot so I'll have all I need, but it turned out all right.  We checked out when Eric came back from church, packed up the car, dropped Jillian at class, ran to the grocery store, had lunch, and went to the ballroom for my pinup shoot.  Miss Heartland 2012 was in there when we got there, and she looked super cute.  I came up with a couple good ideas for my calendar shot, so hopefully there was at least one good photo in there, but the photographer was a very cool guy, Rae and Pam looked them over and liked them too, so we'll see.  Cecily has already declared that I shall be Miss February, though I imagine I will be a more random month since I had no theme.  I'm thinking Miss September.

After that, we went over to the ballroom for classes.  I didn't manage to take any, since I felt the worst on Sunday that I had all week, but I did watch Mike and Dee's routine class, and Sharon and Nick teach their class.  Then we went over to get into Zombie Burger and opted to avoid the sit down area and just go through the to go area.  Big advantage.  Since the majority of the group was roaming around, only the three of us were in to begin with and managed to scout an area for the rest.  I enjoyed a burger named after a French horror flick, it had chicken and goat cheese and onions involved, so I was pretty happy.  I also had a Crunch Berry shake which was pretty darn awesome.  It made me super full which made the Sunday dancing a little difficult, but there was still some good dancing.  I hope Hurley can come to Cowtown, and the Jamin and Janie come too.  I'm always glad to see Christian and Jenny, Mike and Eve, Larry and Rae, and the rest.  I met some lovely new people, and I truly believe that I got everything I wanted out of it.

Can't wait until next year!

Not much to report on other than the birthday...which was totally EPIC.  So I guess this'll be an epic post?

It took a lot to get through the week.  Monday was President's Day and that was good, because I was kind of tired.  I had lunch with Eric over at his place of employment and then did a little shopping, and then went to book club.  I didn't manage to get to the book this month, though I'm kind of glad, because apparently there were a lot of rape scenes.  I really don't need to see any more of those.  Ever.  EVER.  Other than that, it was fun to catch up with the girls, ask Kelly and Meagan about their impending nuptials.  And play with their dog.

The rest of the week was really just a run up to the weekend, which was very difficult because I had NOTHING  to do at work.  Really.  Nothing.  I know it won't last, and I'm really okay with that, because it's really pretty dull when there's nothing to do.  I don't want to go back to being stressed out and overwhelmed by my job, but I like being engaged.  It'll get better, I just think this was the lull-in-action week.

Friday came about and I was all excited for the weekend ahead.  And then I poked my head over the wall to look out the window and saw that it was snowing like crazy.  What the what?!  So that caused some panic, but it was so warm, that the snow didn't stick around too long.  However it did get a lot chillier than I expected, so I dressed fairly warm to meet Eric at his house, before we headed downtown to our photoshoot with the fair and talented Chelsea.  Very good Valentine's gift.  We did our photos in the Passageway in the Old Market, which was pretty neat.  It was all lit up and the plants were pretty, and it was warm in there.  We did some outdoor photos, which lasted as long as Chelsea could feel her fingers.  Not too long, because I felt parts of me going numb.  Thankfully, also, my boyfriend is warm, and keeps a blankie in his car.  But first, dinner at Trini's, super tasty and convivial.  Then we headed over to swing dancing where I received a most impressive birthday present.  Cecily, Dianna, and Adam had spent most of the week testing and creating Angry Birds cake pops especially for me.  I have to admit, they were one of the coolest birthday cakes I've ever had, second only to the Great Mouse Detective cake, but that's a whole different thing.  Kudos to Adam for making the smug green pig.

Then there was the longest birthday jam I've ever had, I probably danced with about twenty people.  Cecily and Eric made the effort to keep from ending the jam with creepy Steve, many thanks to Cecily for taking that bullet.  I then managed to somewhat avoid creepy Andy (alas, on your birthday, you cannot always get a pass on the creepy guys).  He kissed my hand but I managed not to dance with him.  Seriously, why is it that when a guy kisses your hand, rarely is it ever by a guy you even want holding your hand?  Oh, well.  After the dance, I needed salt in my system after those enormous Angry Bird pops, so we all went to VI to hang out and in my case, eat onion rings.  Nobody sang to me in there, thank goodness.  There was plenty of singing throughout the weekend, also plenty more sugar.

Saturday I slept in, and had a low key day.  Poor Eric was under the weather, feeling pretty icky, but he put up a lot of effort to give me a nice birthday.  I really think my friends gave me a pretty good one.  Though Saturday night I went to bed early and foolishly left my phone by my pillow without turning it to vibrate...

And slept straight through until about 7:30 without hearing the dozen email notifications or the text message that made no sense at all.  I was a lot more tired than I thought.  I slept for another hour or two, missed a few more emails, and then met Eric, Joe, and Frank at church.  Frank and I sat together because Eric and Joe had important parts to play, and the church was pretty packed, but it was the first Sunday of Lent.  Not a bad day for a birthday, I suppose.  After church, we went to the Bella Italia fest where I ate some great meatballs and treated myself to a birthday cannolli.  Nom.  Then Eric and I found First Street, and spotted a giant chicken, and then I dropped him off at his car, not his house.  Then I went shopping again (got to get rid of those birthday gift cards), and went home to hang with my parents.  Talked to my grandma, then went over to Susie's house where Carroll was having her annual Oscar party.

Oh, Carroll.  She made me a cake, Susie made me a cocktail, and I brought the Angry Birds pops to share.  We played with Jen's new baby Nathan, Susie's little girl Ellie, heckled the awards, and enjoyed pizza.  I also drooled over some Robert Downey Jr.  And the girls sang to me.

I went home late and tried to go to bed immediately.  It was one heck of a birthday.

Let's blog about Valentine's Day.  Yes, I am going to be that person.  Yes, you should be prepared to vomit with all the cuteness to follow.

I kind of left the Valentine's planning up to Eric, mostly because I was dealing with my grandma's funeral and getting back to work, and still coming to grips with the notion that he really was going to be my boyfriend.  Seriously, it's taken some time to get used to, not in a bad way, more like, wow, we really are doing this OMG YAY!!! way.  I'm really happy.  Valentine's day itself I managed to get out of my Jitterbugs operations board meeting (I don't really know what we do other than talk about stuff, but Ian is very smart and energetic, so I dig him), then I went to Eric's for dinner.  Chicken paprikash by request, and I brought his Valentine's day present, a particularly clever card (at least I thought so), and a gift card of ice cream (though he's given it up for Lent, so I guess it'll be April before he has some).  We had a lovely dinner and despite his promises, Troy did not do a shot every time Eric and I kissed.  Our quiet evening was only slightly interrupted by Frank, who was bringing over Kate, potentially Eric and Troy's new roommate.  It's an interesting story, but we'll see how it goes.  My reaction to everything was more like annoyance at our date being interrupted.  Oh well.

Eric also gave me flowers.  I *heart* that.  And him.

Thursday was our "official" going out, dressed up, fancy dinner Valentine's day celebration.  Eric and I met at the 801 Chophouse, which was very nice, he wore a suit and he brought me more flowers, and after we'd been sitting for about five minutes to consider what to eat...the fire alarm began going off.  Thankfully we were not evacuated, and there wasn't a serious emergency as we later found out.  The food was super tasty.  I haven't had onion soup that good in quite some time.  Also, the time together to talk and hold hands was just lovely.  I really like hanging out with my boyfriend.

Now I'm starting to annoy myself with the cuteness.

We also got to talk to Chef Brian, who is my kind of chef, similar to my big brother and my two cousins, laid back, likes his food, and willing to make you eat it.  He managed to talk Eric into dessert, which was an enormous slice of cheesecake that we couldn't finish despite combined efforts, but we also ate a lot of steak preceding it.  We also found out the source of the fire alarm, a very hot pan not under the proper ventilation system.  Oh, work place shenanigans.  Also, the restaurant is inside a really gorgeous apartment building with an awesome Deco lobby.  Ah, luxury that I don't really want to pay for, but maybe just borrow for an hour or two for pictures.

And I didn't really do much until the weekend, game night, shopping, and the like.  I'm kind of tired.  Maybe I'll write more later.