Wednesday, October 24, 2012

So this is how things are lately:

Go to sleep - cry beforehand and then not sleep much

Go to work - cry at least three times throughout the day

Go home - think "Thank God" because then I can cry without being seen

Talk to friends - try not to cry, kudos to those who assist with the process

Go running - feel like crying, but usually too exhausted

Go to health fair - hope coworkers don't notice the three pamphlets on stress and depression I pick up

Writing - try, doesn't make me feel better anymore, and I'm completely uninspired

Listen to music - soundtracks the best because they don't sing about heartbreak, love, or any of that crap because (you'll be so shocked) it makes me want to cry

Cook - manage to hold it together

Eat - not in the mornings, mostly not hungry, or crave nothing but carbs and starches


Self-esteem - nope

Motivation - nyet

Desire to feel better - immense, but easily discouraged these days, and more prone to just panic about stuff

Life - bleak

Officially, I feel like crap.

Unofficially, I think I've got clinical depression, I can't wait for it to be Tuesday so I can finally meet with someone about it, and sometimes I wish I just wouldn't wake up in the morning.

Normally I'm pretty good at just daydreaming my sadness away, but I can't seem to make it work anymore.  I used to be so good at bringing myself up when I was down, or at least letting other people lift me in quick time, but now, all I feel is empty and miserable and a burden to others.  My thoughts trend to the more upsetting end of the spectrum, and I want to feel like my old self, but I don't think that's possible.  Too much has gone wrong in my life this year, and I don't see a silver lining to any of it.  I don't see a future for me.

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